stargazer

now that i'm free, i'm ready to fly, and reach for the stars. i'm out to explore the world, the universe, and beyond. and the feeling, as it is, is simply liberating. and inspiring.

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Thursday, 17 March 2005

MY OWN PROLOGUE 

I am reborn. I am opening new chapters of my book, called “Life”.

After over four months of emotional stirrings and hiatus (as if I existed but I didn’t, really), I am bouncing back to life—literally and figuratively. My eight-day escape to Boracay, then another five days to Palawan’s Club Noah-Isabelle, detached me from the real world that was starting to eat my soul. The perfect setting— strolling by the beach, sunbathing on the pristine sand, hammock-ing on laidback afternoons, and partying on endless nights, appreciating nature—  I guess, may have helped me to forget the urban jungle I left behind. And the time alone, which I had for the first time, allowed me to digest the truths about the dramatic changes that happened, are happening, and will happen to my life.

It all started with C, a “sacred tradition” that was suddenly put into trash, from which hard work was stripped off of its meaning.  Supposedly on its 3^rd year, C wasn’t given the chance to be viewed by the expecting audience, who were eager to witness another cycle of life that was hoped to exist for 12 months. Unfortunately, C was sentenced to death, before it even started breathing, by “the powerful gods” who actually encouraged the conception of its origin.  As C’s avid co-creator, I felt that a part of me went with BTC six feet down under. And even after 40 days later, I wore the mourning veil. In fact, I still am. But I learned to accept that, with C’s case, there would be no resurrection.  On C’s epitaph was written: With loving memory from YSL, J, Dia, JV, RL, and an endless list of real supporters…

Then, December came, when everybody was in the festive Christmas mood, I lost a baby (it’s a “she” for all its kikayness! And so, let’s call her Y, who was supposed to turn two last Feb.)— an offspring of my love affair with my craft. It wasn’t easy to let go of my youngest, which I showered with all my time and efforts. I saw her growing. I felt the pains she went through, from Day 1—the day she groped in the midst of darkness, ‘til the time when she learned to take her first small steps. She was beginning to take a bigger leap, especially when she was learning to put on the right stuffs—from head to toe, but Y was taken away from me. I tried very hard to fight for her.  But again, “the supreme judges” came between us. Since then, I never laid my eyes on Y again. I lost the custody over her. And like a real mother, my heart was broken.

The opening of 2005 didn’t make any difference. Another baby, my three year old and my eldest named J, was “diagnosed” to be sick. Ironically, when we all thought that young and spunky J was in the pink of her health, she was actually feeling blue, from the rollercoaster ride she took with people who call themselves “doctors”. The “know-it-all doctors” thought that it was time for J to take a bed rest. A permanent one.  She was given the whole month of January, but was never given a chance to formally say goodbye to her friends and loved ones. That was hurting. Aside from me, there were six lives that have nursed and nurtured J. Not to mention the other loving “family members” who taught J to dream big and “kick” higher. But again, the know-it-all doctors gave her a pill that made her sleep forever. Like a mom, I felt that I don’t have a choice but to accept the changes—the inevitable changes that could be part of something bigger, they say.

And so, with the other six who were sharing with me a cubicle we called home, I tried very hard to continue living. Because more than anything else, I felt that my love affair with my craft, the friendship I’ve established with the people around me, and the sincerity and loyalty I gave to the “gods/ judges/ doctors” (they are one and the same) would be enough to make me stay. Or so I thought.

Until the intruders came, who robbed from me not just a position, but my self-esteem. And that, I thought, was the last blow. Really, I don’t care about the title. Because what’s in it, anyway? I never felt that having one is a major thing, for I never used it for my own prestige and fame. In fact, it didn’t really matter because I was so madly in love with what I was doing that I cared less whether they’d call me as this or that.

As they say, love is blind. Hence, I didn’t see what the elders, those who were experts of the system, were trying to convey to me. Like any one who’s in love, I was stubborn. I was hardheaded because I refused to listen to those who went through a similar experience. Because I thought, like any other love story, it is something that would last happily ever after. Well, I have forgotten that my world is not Neverneverland. So, when reality did hit me, I felt that it was time for me to move on.

I gave my all— time, love, dedication, anything and everything.  I gave my mind. I gave my heart and soul. I gave my entire self. I almost gave my future. So, finally, I’ve realized that before ending up a broken person, I need to save myself. This time, I need to love myself, and I don’t want to become a stranger even to my own self.

And that, I believe, gave me the drive to finally make a decision…

To spring back to life.

And find my way to a fresh start from this hurting, yet enlightening, epilogue. Now, I’m ready to leaf through the next pages…  

@@@----

 A sign that I have already moved on, I am publishing a special letter I gave to my team, which would always be a special part of my learning years and which would always have a special place in my heart. Just allow me, please, to hide their names. I edited some lines for some “privacy” and mystery. 

Dearest People,

Three may just be a number for a few, but for the hardcore people who live in this cubicle, three means three years of establishing an instrument that we believe is the voice of the youth, a catalyst of transformations within our own world and beyond.

Three is 1,095 days (and literally, nights) of hard work—as in beating deadlines, closing the section until the wee hours, jumping from one coverage to another, putting up two calendars and one that was inexplicably and frustratingly shelved-out after the fourth proof (duh!), organizing events, persuading sponsors, running for models, conceptualizing pictorials, meetings here and there, text brigades, atbp.

Three years would mean accepting changes, regardless how fast some people would want it to be.

No doubt, we strongly hold on to the burning passion of the team to slowly, but surely, penetrate the industry and create our own niche. I believe we didn’t fall short in this department. Some may scoff at us, some may raise their eyebrows, but admit it, we have been leveled side by side with the others. 

J didn’t make it alone.  We traversed the smooth and rough roads with ALL OF YOU. We cried and laughed together. We whined, released few angst over cups of lattes, and then drank and partied after. And for that—for being with us for three years— super duper salamat. The involvement of special people— like you, guys, who supported us all the way and whose love for each of our own craft is uncompromising, inspired us more to work harder for “our love.” 

But as an old adage goes, “we can’t please everybody”. 

When I thought that three years would lead us all to another three, well, I was mistaken. We fought for everyone, for our love, and most essentially, for the samahan and the values we believe set us apart from the rest. Sad to say, those sweet three years were nothing to the few. To those few, three is just a number.

It may be hurting and frustrating to admit that this is the end of the voyage for J. Life is indeed unfair, but still, I believe that the relationships we built together— as working partners, as friends, as one big and happy family— would encourage us to move on, because we know that we’d remain passionate workers for a lifetime—that’s “infinithree raised to the nth power”.  : )

Please allow me to express my heartfelt gratitude to each of you…

Para kay Ukay Princess. It would be like watching black and white TV in this age of Neon Yellow and Shocking Fuchsia. Salamat sa lahat ng parties you organized. Salamat for being my “walking calendar”.  Salamat for making closing nights moments that we loved to look forward to. Taas ng energy level mo, kakahawa eh. Salamat for sharing WFK! At sa mga hirit mong cute, sa badingerzie lingo, and entertainment updates, thanks a lot poknat! Miss ko na gigs natin, when we could really party till dawn, rub elbows with the who’s who, and talk overnite about crushes. Miss ko na shopping and mall-ratting days natin. Miss ko na ikaw. I always enjoy being with you because you remind me of my bubbly self during my younger days (hah! Sounds oldie naba?)— and the fact that I could hang around with another single woman. Hehehe. You are a revelation! I’ve seen you transformed into a happy-go-lucky gal to a woman motivated by passion to learn and excel. And I’m sure that your PR flair would be an asset. You always take me by surprise whenever you get mobile numbers of Cute Restaurateur 1, MTV VJ-Wannabe 2, Hunkie Artista 3, and Calendar Model 4. Your guts drive me crazy. Your charm leaves me in awe whenever you start giving that pa-innocent(!) smile to get your way around. And that’s a talent which I know you’d be very good at. O, talent manager kita huh?

Para kay Mader Gurl.  Thank you for being a woman of strength. I know it was not easy to balance work and family affairs, but your strong desire to separate one from the other impressed me a lot. You’ve changed. Or shall I say, you’ve bloomed? And why not? You have an adorable son, a suffortive fafa (hihihi!), and you have your loving family back. Not to forget, of course, that you have us here around. These are priceless joys of discovering the real you— independent, yes, but knows to value the essence of co-existence. Hhhhmmmm, hmmmmm…tight hugs. Salamat for everything— especially for “that incident” when I needed you most. Since the beginning naman, I know that I could trust and depend on you— traits that you could bank on, to invest for a better future, wherever you go… I know that you’ll make it big. Because you are hard-working.  Because you have a good heart. Because you are a great mom. A sweet partner who is denial that she really is… err, sweet. A responsible daughter. You may be misunderstood by many, but I know that deep inside, you’re a friend—in the real essence of the word.

Para kay Eating Machine. It would never be the same without our Eating Machine / our Tuesday Boy (a.k.a. PCV Boy)/  The All-Around, who never complained about doing the “dirty jobs”— “Pa bitbit naman nito, oh,” “Na follow-up mo na sponsors,” “Cheques ng partners natin,” “Na pa sign mo na?” “Please pa request ng copies,” “May pi-pick-up-in pa?” “O, ‘kaw na ubos nitong food,” “Pa’no ‘tong camera,” “Ba’t weird ‘tong computer,” and the list goes on. Indeed, I’d be lost without you. You feed my techie needs. And you feed my soul. I miss our senti talks. Let’s grab a cup of caffeine soon. Sama mo your one and only. I know I owe her a lot, since I always get your time. Let’s talk about our dreams. The way we used to. Subrang Salamat sa lahat!

Para kay X, the Man. The Boss, The Guwapo, The Artistahin? Man, you’re my ultimate and most-prized possession! I’d never have this drive if it weren’t for you—The One-Year-Hurdle. Hahaha. Seriously, ours was a “hate-love affair” that gave truth to the saying “Opposites attract.” I hate maangas, you hate maarte. I hate feeling know-it-all, you hate to be corrected. I hate a poor follower, and you hate to be led. It took us one year of bumpy and one-way ride to finally accept the realization that we have to actually meet at a crossroad, and take the two-way road— to meet halfway, or drive together at a pace that would allow us to appreciate the meanings of traffic lights in our lives. We learned when to stop, when to go, and when to wait. And by the way, I didn’t know, until recently, that we love something in common: kiamoy. Uhh, make that two: drinking spree. Thank you for getting me a Tobi’s pack whenever I’d request for one.  Thank you for going to my parties. And yes, did I forget to tell you that the black polish was actually cool? ; )

Para kay Sweetie. When I interviewed you the first time (you were in knee-length skirt and red top pa nga nu’n if I remember it right? And that was your birthday, di ba?) and I chose you over You-Know-Who (O, ‘yan, huh, I didn’t mention the name. I know naman allergic ka du’n, eh), I knew that I made the right choice—fresh mind, “Neneng Nene”. I saw through you the desire to belong to a company that would pay you (with at least something practical to start from) and provide you with rich experiences and the prestige that goes with working in the “country’s leading newspaper”, while you do the thing you love most. I’ve seen the talent— one of the two reasons why I picked you. And the other, I trusted my intuition when I felt that the fire in you comes from power of the Word. Salamat for helping me in reading some stories and releases. Salamat for sharing with me good books to read. And again, using the Word, salamat for texting me with messages—inspiring, informative, or how trivial it may sound—that surely made me ponder, consider, and smile. I hope that through the same power of the Word, you’d be able to fly and reach your dreams, but not forgetting where you came from, with feet planted on the ground, attached to the values of the real you— simple, true, and a loyal lover of the Word. P.s. Thank you for hiring cabs for me. Mwah, mwah. P.p. s. s. Be yourself.  That’s your key to shine brighter.

Para kay Tutoy. My newbie(be)! Though we shared a short time together, I appreciate very much the loyalty you are expressing for the group and for me. I am lucky to have a newcomer like you, who deeply understand the situation we had been through. I know that it was a shock for you, to be faced with such challenges.  I know that with your talent, you deserve something better for a first job. But as they say, everything happens for a reason. And I discovered that the most beautiful reason behind our struggles is that we were able to establish ties—something we call friendship, tested by the tides of life. ‘Yaan mo na, charge it to experience. At least now, you’ve seen the worst. The next to come is just a breeze over your shoulder. Honestly, I felt doubly frustrated that you missed those glorious days. I’m sure, with your positive attitude, you’d have enjoyed it more, without abusing the “little media” in us. Your initiative and willingness to be of help would definitely bring you places. To top it all, you’re oozing with talent and dedication that would bring you farther.  You’re our little boy of few words, but I believe that you’re one of the handful people in the industry who’d make sense, once you put your depths in black and white. Don’t lose your idealism, amid the brouhaha. Your youthfulness is my reminder that we could always jump into a fresh start. Don’t let the passion fade. Remember, it goes with your name. Salamat sa lahat, lahat. (Btw, it thanks for texting and updating me  with your affairs. I really appreciate that you keep me posted still.)

For Ma’am (our cool and young-at-heart na takbuhan ng bayan). When I saw you that night at St. Paul the Apostle church, I really wanted to cry because I felt like a lost child running to a mom, whose tight hug was more than enough to comfort her daughter’s bruised heart and ego. I believe you felt the pain, too, and I thank you very much for understanding me.

For NoW-On-The-ProWl-Warriors (our loyalists!). Nothing is more consoling than having friends who’d stick with you all the way, whether you’re up there or down here—and that is the kind of loyalty and friendship I’ve experienced  with you, guys. Thank you very much for making us feel that we are not alone. Thank you for always involving yourselves. I super duper appreciate that you always fight for me, for the rest, and for our “babies”. Mwah. Mwah.

For our sensible yuppie (mah hunny!). Ma-mi-miss ko pa senti-stuffs mo! Hehehe. Really, I always look forward to reading your stuffs because you always see a different light to things that are ordinary. And for the wisdom and values you’ve imparted not just to all of us, super salamat.

For GPlaneteers (our adventure-seekers). Para sa mga makapigil hiningang kuwento ninyo na talaga namang inaabangan ng marami, salamat. Ma mi miss namin ang mangulit sa inyo, lalo na kung deadliest deadline na. Hahaha. Thank you for sharing your adventures—in sports and in life.

For Tres Marias (beauty and brains, and most importantly, big-hearted!), To the friendship, to the ka-kikay-an, to women empowerment… cheers! Sana you gurls would remain as amiable and approachable as ever.  Wag niyo kaming ikalimot, huh… ma-mi-miss namin pangaral niyo. And you gurls always inspire us to be beautiful inside-out. Salamat mucho.

For the Marketing Man (fartner!). Thank you for always believing that we can do it ‘til the end. And well, we did our best. Sobra-sobra pa. I thank you for the special treatment you’ve expressed to both “babies”. For all the help and for all the invites, salamat. You always make us feel welcome to any of your gigs and parties. For the friendship, super salamat.

For  JMK (Sufforters!). The spice. We thank you for being proud that you belong to the family. Salamat sa mga cute na articles niyo. Thank you for sticking with us all through out, kahit na I know that you have other offers.  Ma mi miss namin kayo!

For Blairwitch (our adopted!). We talked about this na, diba? Thank you for listening. Thank you sa mga na-contribute mo. Salamat sa lahat-lahat, most especially for sharing the same passion with all of us and for believing in us. O, kita-kits pa rin, huh…

----

It took me awhile to put my sentiments in writing.  The process of accepting what happened to our “babies” and to the people I dearly love was hurting. I hope you’d understand why the letter was delayed. I detached myself to fully have a grasp of the sudden perplexing reformatting happening inside—which were all beyond our control.

Then, I’ve realized that we don’t have a choice but to free ourselves of angst and to move on.

Moving on, for me, is moving out. It was a tough decision, leaving the job and, most especially, the people I’ve learned to love. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was hurting. And as I’ve told you all, my heart was bleeding for I know we didn't do anything wrong-- except maybe that we worked too hard.  We pushed ourselves too much until we forgot that we still have our own lives to love.

I detached myself and I followed my mind (because you know what would be the outcome if I chose my heart’s desire) not to get stuck in a system that that is hard to to fathom. I know, for a fact, that there’s no one that perfectly exists. But I don’t see anything wrong if we try to spread our wings and check out the world outside.

I tendered my resignation with mixed emotions. But the act liberated me. I hope you guys understand.  Finally, I’m free. And I feel lighter. I’m getting ready to discover the world outside. I am happy. But you know that I’d be happier if I’d be able to bring you all with me. Our chemistry is inexplicable. It was a total experience of teamwork. Really, we are any boss’s dream team. I hope that whatever enlightenment we learned from the samahan and from the experience, we bring it along to the next stages of our lives. And whatever endeavor we’d be choosing in the future, remember that I’d be proud to see you guys achieve your own dreams.

Yeah, I am grateful for how this job molded me into who I am right now. But I am more thankful because I met people like you, who continue to inspire me to move on. You guys allow me to once again believe that there are still passionate people out there who are not afraid to traverse the road less traveled.

So, I know that we would still be crossing paths. Definitely, I will be bumping into you again. Meanwhile, there’s still life to enjoy after the storm…

I remain…

Thursday, 03 March 2005

3rd is actually the first

march is my january.

hopeful.

postiive.

inspired.

i am just about to start my 2005.

i just hope that it would be happy, indeed.

Wednesday, 01 December 2004

12.1.04

Wednesday, 17 November 2004

11.17.04

Wednesday, 10 March 2004

The Sucker

i just don't understand why when you're heading up---slowly, one step at a time, not yet even reaching the top of the ladder, there's no other way for Other Insignificant People to do but pull you down. and how they enjoy every minute of your agony...

regardless of how very hard you've worked, everything becomes futile.

and i just don't understand, that this Other Insignificant People could actually break or make you...because The Highest Of All listens to them. And The Highest Of All, in the end, we found out, has no balls.

that left me wondering...who could be The Real Sucker in this game?

Monday, 26 January 2004

The Reader

i'm in a crossroad at the moment. don't know what to traverse. i swear.

wandering around, i ended up entering a cafe at makati, face-to-faced with a lady, whose stares pierced through me, undressing my innermost.

my initial mission was to grab something for my growling tummy (so i'd be sane enough to go over some deep ponderings later), yet, something led my two feet to the old woman, and my butt was drawn to sit down opposite her. still steadily gazing at me, she asked me, what took you so long? as if she has been waiting for me since the beginning. that gave me goosebumps, leaving me speechless for a minute or so.

then, the reading started. and shall i say that she is one helluva of a seer. she knew that i wanted some changes, and i'd be ready to dive, even head first, into a new world. she knew that i'm drowning in doubts, as to whether this is the life for me or not. she knew that i am hoping for some things to unfold right onto my lap. all were revealed by her tarot cards.

whether it is coincidental or not, she knows a little of my past. whether it is too obvious or not, she knows where i am footed at present. and whether it is too assuming or just gut-feel, she sees a part of what my life would be in the future. everything unearthed, everything read with her tarot cards.

and whether or not she made a believer out of me, i know and i am certain that i'll make my own life. i'll write my own destiny. time will come that i'll have access to wisdom beyond the power of words. i will trust and value my own intuition and insight. because i know that i will be guided.

and i also believe that there's The One, the omniscient and omnipresent, who sees everything. The Real Reader.

still, i am in a crossroad. and still, i don't know what to traverse. but sooner, i know i have to continue the journey. whatever road i'd take, i'm definite that the Real Reader will keep me company. i won't get lost. swear.

Tuesday, 06 January 2004

my very first entry for 2004. well, my very first serious entry after i registered, actually. been a long time. in the first place, there was no time. i haven't done this for awhile. writing, i mean. well, journal writing, shall i say. it's so ironic to think that i do write for the last three years of my life since i am connected with a publication company, yet, i seldom do write about what's 'really' brewing not just in my mind but in my heart as well. honestly, i miss that. i miss talking to myself. i miss analyzing what have been and have been not, what i did and what i did not. i miss talking intrapersonally, seeing myself as myself, reflecting an image that i truly know. not that i'm complaining. pleazzuh, not on the first few days of the first month (no negative vibes 'no?), it's just that... if given more time, i feel like going home. to myself. and to my star.

Wednesday, 05 November 2003

This is my first entry. the stargazer is now a reality.